Epiphany...better late than never

Nothing chaotic or frantic. Nothing "impulsive".
Almost like a light at the end of the tunnel.
A sigh of relief.

For some time now I've been trying to figure out what I want, in regards to life, work, where I want to be. I havent been able to figure it out really. Coincidentally, yesterday we had a training downtown. How to cope with stress, to take care of ourselves, put ourselves 1st. The VP of our program is leaving, she's starting her own private practice, getting back to what she's always wanted to do, something that she lost touch with while living her life. & in her "goodbye" speech, she said something. That she wasnt happy, that she wasnt taking care of herself, that she got so consumed with living her life, that she never really looked at the quality of it.

there....that was it.....I'm not happy

After working for almost 2yrs now in a non-profit org, I know I want to do something community/health related. Do I have the proper training, no. Experience, yes. So obviously, this is something I need to work on.
Living conditions, oh where do I begin. I am suffocating, literally drowning in the sorrows of my family. Am I wrong for thinking that aloud? I'm sure if I wasnt at home, cornered in my little den, it'd be different. I'd have some physical space to be able to deal with family issues. But when you live at home, it eats away at you. No one is to blame but myself, why the hell am I still at home anyways!! smh @ me!

So with all that said, I think its time for me & NYC to break up. Perhaps start seeing other people. We're just not compatible. He's abusive, chaotic, all in all, unhealthy for me. The city is all I know, it's instilled in me. But who's to say it's all I SHOULD KNOW. I love my city, but really, what am I doing here. I'm not happy, I'm not living the GOSSIP GIRL life, nor do I want it. I'm exhausted with the the rat race, annoyed with the hussel & bussel of our concrete jungle. Tired of clenching my jaw while riding the MTA, the constant exhaustion from just living here.
Dont get me wrong, I CAN live here, I CAN DO THIS.....I just think I dont want to anymore.

The only reason I'm at this point in my life is because of myself & the decisions I've made. Not trying to sound "deep", but our past dictates our future, so our decisions today will effect our 2moro.
So yea, with 2009 almost at its end, 2010 will be filled with changes & new beginnings.

"Maybe I can't leave New York. I don't know how I'd do someplace else"

-Believe me, your fabulousness would translate-