Strength

-What cancer CANNOT do-

"Cancer is so limited...
It cannot cripple love.
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot eat away peace.
It cannot destroy confidence.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot shut out memories.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot reduce eternal life.
It cannot quench the Spirit."

*my family is going to kick cancer in its face*

Are you ever really "OK"?

I'm hoping that as I write this, it will make sense & not turn out to be some vomited emotional babble.
Domestic violence can happen to anyone. Given the timing/circumstances of a certain celebrities interview, we'll be hearing more of DV for the weeks to come. And I get it, her album is coming out, PERFECT timing, etc. But really people, that doesnt negate what happened to her. So whether you feel theres any stalk or sincerity to what shes saying, take a step back & breathe. YOU werent the one who went through it.

• almost 10 yrs ago, I was in an abusive relationship. I feared for my life & yet loved him with all my heart. So much that I was willing to marry him & move away.
  
• The last fight I was thrown down a flight of stairs & slammed against a wall. After that, it was over.....& even months after that, I still flew out to see him b/c I still loved him.
• I remember to this day, telling my best friend that if anything ever happened to me, that it was him, that he'd be the one that did it to me.

Those are just pieces of what happened to me. My story. I dont think I'll ever be "ok". I dont think SHE'll ever be ok either. The scars you dont see I suppose. But to everyone who has their opinions about HER & what happened, & how REAL she is......

I dont care.

She spoke & from personal experience, that alone is heart breaking. Not b/c it's being told for you to hear, but for the person who's hearing themselves. The most intimate of self-reflections.
It is not easy to speak about domestic violence, "victims" are afraid, they always are, confused, always trying to comprehend what happened to them. Whether it was their own fault or the abuser's. Should they be angry with themselves?

Would you all have liked her to parade herself around all battered & bruised? Would that have made you all feel better about her abuse, more believable? More sympathetic? More REAL?
You all have no idea what it's like, what it feels like. What goes on inside our own head. It's so easy for you all to judge,you're all outside, just looking in. Such ignorance & criticism is exactly why so many women stay quiet, why so many women are ashamed & scared to come forward.

Love yourself 1st.
DV HOTLINE
Safe Horizon

Color me deep

In my self reflection, as always I'm craving a tattoo. I'm hoping to finish the connection from my side tattoo to my ribs. It's quite an addiction, tattoo's. I'm almost sure once you get one, you crave for more. You itch.

To each their own. What one person may deem as self mutilation, another views as art, and another views it as therapy.

Our flesh, our body, our mind, our soul,
We pierce our skin, to leave a hole,
We probe our minds and make them think,
We color our body with pins and ink.

Art forms as old as Earth herself,
Knowledge of primitives, we treasure as wealth.
With pain we gain, with needle and pin,
Expressions of ourselves from deep within.

We cut, we scar, we bleed, we heal,
Happy with ourselves it makes us feel.
Our ink is our badges, our piercings our pride,
Body art is our expression, of our person inside.
Richard Powell

!!CRUSHING ON KAT VON D!!

Epiphany...better late than never

Nothing chaotic or frantic. Nothing "impulsive".
Almost like a light at the end of the tunnel.
A sigh of relief.

For some time now I've been trying to figure out what I want, in regards to life, work, where I want to be. I havent been able to figure it out really. Coincidentally, yesterday we had a training downtown. How to cope with stress, to take care of ourselves, put ourselves 1st. The VP of our program is leaving, she's starting her own private practice, getting back to what she's always wanted to do, something that she lost touch with while living her life. & in her "goodbye" speech, she said something. That she wasnt happy, that she wasnt taking care of herself, that she got so consumed with living her life, that she never really looked at the quality of it.

there....that was it.....I'm not happy

After working for almost 2yrs now in a non-profit org, I know I want to do something community/health related. Do I have the proper training, no. Experience, yes. So obviously, this is something I need to work on.
Living conditions, oh where do I begin. I am suffocating, literally drowning in the sorrows of my family. Am I wrong for thinking that aloud? I'm sure if I wasnt at home, cornered in my little den, it'd be different. I'd have some physical space to be able to deal with family issues. But when you live at home, it eats away at you. No one is to blame but myself, why the hell am I still at home anyways!! smh @ me!

So with all that said, I think its time for me & NYC to break up. Perhaps start seeing other people. We're just not compatible. He's abusive, chaotic, all in all, unhealthy for me. The city is all I know, it's instilled in me. But who's to say it's all I SHOULD KNOW. I love my city, but really, what am I doing here. I'm not happy, I'm not living the GOSSIP GIRL life, nor do I want it. I'm exhausted with the the rat race, annoyed with the hussel & bussel of our concrete jungle. Tired of clenching my jaw while riding the MTA, the constant exhaustion from just living here.
Dont get me wrong, I CAN live here, I CAN DO THIS.....I just think I dont want to anymore.

The only reason I'm at this point in my life is because of myself & the decisions I've made. Not trying to sound "deep", but our past dictates our future, so our decisions today will effect our 2moro.
So yea, with 2009 almost at its end, 2010 will be filled with changes & new beginnings.

"Maybe I can't leave New York. I don't know how I'd do someplace else"

-Believe me, your fabulousness would translate-