Color me Deep PT2

"Our ink is our badges, our piercings our pride,
Body art is our expression, of our person inside."
Richard Powell

Almost 2 1/2 yrs ago, I began the tattoo on my ribs. The passing of my aunt was the trigger. My inability to get the courage to call her & say my goodbye before she left us.  The devastating guilt I could not overcome. "Love, Hope,Inspire, Believe" will remind me how to live my life. 

This past weekend I finally figured out what I wanted the finished tattoo to look like & completed it. As December winded down, it turned into emotional roller-coaster. So much so, that it gave me the push I needed to add to my life rules.

Love without boundaries : Do not become bitter. Do your best to avoid "the game". If you have the chance to experience love, do so. Give it your all. Everyone has suffered some heartache, heartbreak. Maybe even some bruising & mental scarring.We all have baggage. Pick yours up & move on. To love & be loved, is such an amazing feeling. To hold back, to deny it, is to truly cheat yourself. Deny who I am?  I wouldn't change me for the world.

Hope is infinite: maybe some people say faith, but since my stance on religion tends to waver, hope is more appropriate. You can never have too much hope. Believe that things will turn out for the best, there is nothing wrong with having expectations. To desire a positive outcome. Sometimes, that's all you have. 

Inspire others: It's something that I've learned a long time ago. I'm a people person. I have a gift. I'm empathetic. There is nothing more fulfilling than knowing that you've made an impact on someone's life. That you've helped them or touched their very souls in some way.  Help others dream, encourage them. Help them to be the amazing people that they are. 

Believe in the impossible: This one touched my heart . Lewis Carroll's, Alice in wonderland, "Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."  It's that easy. You can believe in anything with such conviction, with such truth ,you can make it real. (except flying....don't do that.....) We tend to hold ourselves back. To be afraid & to doubt.  Don't. Believe & push forward. 

My tattoo's are monumental moments in my life. They are my lessons. They are my reminders. 

Color me deep....

356 Days of Me (plus 2 weeks....)

a busy October + quarantined with pneumonia = lots of time thinking

-Inspired by "500 Days of Summer" & my birthday-

A lot can happen in a year. 

Oct.26th,2009 was celebrated with knights & jousting , surrounded by close friends & family I held close to my heart.  Oct. 26th,2010 was celebrated & coordinated by my 2 bestest friends, with ninja's & magic shows. 2 girls that I know, no matter what, will always be by my side. I say that with such conviction.

Through that year I fully recovered from my rebound nonsense. No more looking back....& even when/if I do, the reflex is no longer wishful thinking & hopeful dreams. It's met with raised eyebrows & shaking of the head. My eyebrows. My head. 3yrs is a long time to hold onto to something that isnt there anymore. I actually joined Match.com, although nothing blossomed from it (damn commercials,lol) it was so xciting to "date" again & meet new people. To be nervous about 1st meetings & get butterflys. It's a beautiful & glorious feeling to look forward.

Through that year I loved again. A discovery if you will. No, nothing came of it. But that's not the point. What is the point, is that I loved. I am capable of it. I'm not broken, or jaded. I loved for all the right reasons. 

That within itself deserves merit. 

Through that year I clinged to family. To my aunt , to my parents. To my family in Puerto Rico. To my newly engaged cousin. As I get older, family becomes more & more important to me. My heritage & where my family comes from & what they went through is a part of me. We have been through through so much & no matter the circumstance, we hold on to each other as lifelines. 

Through that year I saw catastrophic earthquakes rock the countries of both my best friends. I felt their fear, concern, love & pride for their heart-lands. I saw the world unite to save one country , while the other humbly took care of its own. As a result I joined the Red Cross & have done my part to give back. (& fight the constant urge to pack up & move to Haiti & rebuild)

In that year I achieved 2 parts of my Bucket-list. I saw Robin Williams live at the Borgarta. The man who I associate comedy & laughter with. A hero, if you will, that I've always looked up to.  The ability to make people laugh is a powerful gift, & although he can be crude & extra, Robin Williams embodies that belief for me.  The 2nd was meeting Stan Lee. Marvel Comic's father. Waiting on line for 16hr's, braving the cold & hard sidewalk. I met the man who fathered many of Marvel's popular superhero's. It was an emotional experience. I will always remember both.

Through that year, I am thankful for my friends. The ones who stand by me. Through my childness & silly ways. Through my WoW talk & comic xcitment. Through my healthy days & not so healthy. For my hearts, my rocks, my sanities. For the ones who answer txts, IM's, random phone calls, & spur of the moment dinners & sleep overs. There are times I feel lost, where I am xtra hard on myself. When I feel out of place & confused. You are the ones who keep me centered, you are the ones who get me.  I am thankful for you.

& through this year....I've learned my body hates me. *cue pneumonia* 

baby steps back

dont feel abandoned. it's been months, i know. the thing is, when i WANT to post, i dont have the means to get to you (damn you BB) Even more , all the thoughts & feelings get so jumbled in my simple mind. i work myself up, then next thing you know POOF,the NEED to vent is over.

so much has happened. love, health, family, friends. a lot of change , a lot of adapting. hopefully we can catch up.

Epiphany...better late than never

Nothing chaotic or frantic. Nothing "impulsive".
Almost like a light at the end of the tunnel.
A sigh of relief.

For some time now I've been trying to figure out what I want, in regards to life, work, where I want to be. I havent been able to figure it out really. Coincidentally, yesterday we had a training downtown. How to cope with stress, to take care of ourselves, put ourselves 1st. The VP of our program is leaving, she's starting her own private practice, getting back to what she's always wanted to do, something that she lost touch with while living her life. & in her "goodbye" speech, she said something. That she wasnt happy, that she wasnt taking care of herself, that she got so consumed with living her life, that she never really looked at the quality of it.

there....that was it.....I'm not happy

After working for almost 2yrs now in a non-profit org, I know I want to do something community/health related. Do I have the proper training, no. Experience, yes. So obviously, this is something I need to work on.
Living conditions, oh where do I begin. I am suffocating, literally drowning in the sorrows of my family. Am I wrong for thinking that aloud? I'm sure if I wasnt at home, cornered in my little den, it'd be different. I'd have some physical space to be able to deal with family issues. But when you live at home, it eats away at you. No one is to blame but myself, why the hell am I still at home anyways!! smh @ me!

So with all that said, I think its time for me & NYC to break up. Perhaps start seeing other people. We're just not compatible. He's abusive, chaotic, all in all, unhealthy for me. The city is all I know, it's instilled in me. But who's to say it's all I SHOULD KNOW. I love my city, but really, what am I doing here. I'm not happy, I'm not living the GOSSIP GIRL life, nor do I want it. I'm exhausted with the the rat race, annoyed with the hussel & bussel of our concrete jungle. Tired of clenching my jaw while riding the MTA, the constant exhaustion from just living here.
Dont get me wrong, I CAN live here, I CAN DO THIS.....I just think I dont want to anymore.

The only reason I'm at this point in my life is because of myself & the decisions I've made. Not trying to sound "deep", but our past dictates our future, so our decisions today will effect our 2moro.
So yea, with 2009 almost at its end, 2010 will be filled with changes & new beginnings.

"Maybe I can't leave New York. I don't know how I'd do someplace else"

-Believe me, your fabulousness would translate-

Dear Younger Me,

Blogger whore, Perez Hilton, did this for a magazine & I think its a fantabulous idea. So here it goes:

Dear Little Me,
*-Being a teenager IS as hard as it seems.- You'll feel awkward & be a follower & desperately want to fit in. Take a step back from everything & breathe. It's ok to not be like everyone else. It's ok to not be in the "cool kid club". You'll surround yourself with tons of people, but will come out with handful of real friends. You'll learn people are different, people grow up & people change. That's life, you'll change too hun! You'll learn that it's way cooler to be an individual & unique than being a groupie AND you'll meet alot more interesting people along the way too!

*-It sucks being sick!- It sucks always being in the doctors/hospitals/ER's, etc! I'm sorry but this is a little trait that will never let up. But what you'll learn is that no matter how fragile you are, you will always be strong enough to deal with it. Do your damn school-work & study hard! The better the education, the better the job , the better the insurance!!! ^_^

*-Racism & discrimination- will always be around. The worst is when its from your own culture. Being a light-skinned puerto rican will have its trials & tribulations. You can not change peoples ignorance, you can only attempt to broaden their mind. Do not feel bad b/c you do not sound like Rosie Perez or look like J.Lo. But know this much, be proud of where your family comes from. I know salsa in the morning annoys you and your father trying to teach you spanish will be like nails on chalkboard. But believe it or not, you will fall in love with Hector Lavoe & Frankie Ruiz! You will jump to the dance floor at the mere hint of an old salsa song! And you will eventually master Spanglish like the linguist you truly are!! You will look at your parents & appreciate the struggle they went through so you & your brother didn't have to. You will strive to not be the stereotype! "soy boricua pa que lo sepa"!

* -You will always be a kid at heart!!! Rock on with your cartoon & comic fascination! No, there isn't anything wrong with playing video games! This will ALWAYS be your thing, this will make you happy when you're down & out. Knowing the facts about the Hulk, X-Men, Spiderman, even Dr.Strange & all the rest, will hold so much more value to you rather then knowing the name of the latest club/lounge/party. Let's face it, you will be the cool guys-girl who knows her DC/Marvel trivia, who can hold her own on a Hulk VS SuperMan debate, & make a dude work for his in a Street Fighter throw down. You will graduate to PC gaming & forever be tied to World of Warcraft. Dont worry, there's a whole world of geeks out there, waiting to meet you <3 class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_20">shouldn't hurt.........no matter what you may feel or what they may say, don't ever let anyone put their hands on you or belittle you or worse! love yourself 1st, put yourself 1st, you're all you have in the end<3 class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_23">frolicking around a PC game. These will be the ones you call your sanity's & hearts. They will be by your side through the best and worst of times. they will love you when your weak & vulnerable. they will make sense of your craziness. they smack you in the head when you act up ^_^

*-the world- you will bear witness to events that will 4ever mark your brain & your heart. You will have your own "Pearl harbor". You will see what hateful people will do to make a point, the pain that they will inflict on others & feel justified. You will walk 9 miles home one day and even though, you & thousands of others are terrified, you all know you must go on. Through the dust & tears, you'll see a nation unite & a city rise above the rubble. On those days, NYC will brand your heart.

Remember to breathe
-Me-

"Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple."

What to do with myself?!?!? oh the woes of adulthood. Close to 30 with no "EPIC" accomplishments. No 2.5 kids & a house with a picket fence. No finding the cure for cancer. No PhD in something fancy.
Just a bachelors in art, a stable job (for lack of a better word), my roommates are my parents, & as for love, I love myself. I can deal with that.

I think we all tend to want what we dont have. All we do is consume, take, w/o really appreciating what we have. Especially during these "desperate times. I'm not saying that we shouldn't aspire to better ourselves. We should always strive to improve ourselves & our quality of life. But sometimes you have to "suck it up" for the time being. Dont waste time whining & bitching about the cards that you're dealt. Either make moves to change you're circumstanes, or deal with it.

*It really is THAT simple.*

We're all entitled to get upset, frustrated, tired. But we can only run that rant for so long . Make moves people, that includes myself ^_^

*Dear Target, see you soon*

patience.....not a virture

*sigh*
the air in waiting rooms is always filled with anxiety, tension, shaken nerves, mainly impatience.

I am a constant regular at doc offices, ER's & the like, I am quite familiar with the workings of them. & yet here I am, impatient as ever, anxious as hell! probably b/c i know whats about to happen, more so the relief that i'll get as soon as it's over!!!

who cares if i look like i had a run-in with Chris Brown! (low blow, i know, but made me laugh)

BTW,
can my mother stop being a back-seat driver to life!!!!! has to give her opinions & 2cents to everything & everyone!! the worst!!

how do I update my Personal Drive

“When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?” -Carrie

^^This.
Why can't I ever post something positive or good? This "once in a while blog" is almost like a small trail of my own personal demise. Or maybe I'm looking at it wrong. Maybe my path to self-discovery? to be determined i guess.

So after getting the work evaluation from hell & then doing my taxes, it was nothing short of getting shot in the stomach by a shotgun. When did being an adult turn into hell? I mean, you hear people talk about hell after death, but nope.....pretty sure there are a few of us that are living it right now.

I remember when was I was a kid, I couldn't wait to be an adult!! & now I am, so whydo I still feel like a kid lost in a department store. Blargh!

I wonder how other people do it, still go out clubbing & have so many more friends than one person can manage. I cant. At the end of the day, I'm too physically & mentally drained to do much. I almost feel bad for not talking to the few friends I have, but to be perfectly honest, what would be the point. Only to dredge on & on about the same "boo-hoo rant" as usual. I'm sure they could careless, actually they've already shown little to no interest. can you blame them?

Personally, I like my little handful of friends. I dont have the attention span to make more. Does that make me a bitch, nope. Just brutally honest. No, I dont want to hang out with John or Jane Doe & get to know you & be BFF's. lol

When did being an adult get so lonely? hmmmm, when did I become so Emo?

I need a vacation.

& my contacts broke, grrrrrrr