Marriage, it's not a dirty word

Edging near 30 , my opinion about marriage has definitely changed. Although not a dirty word, marriage is very much a loaded word. 

To many it's the end. It's responsibility, obligation & high expectation. And to those who have that mind-set, do yourself the favor & stay away from marriage all together. If you're having all those negative connotations & panic attacks , then that's a tell tale sign that it may not be for you. And there is NOTHING wrong with that. But getting hitched b/c it's "what you're SUPPOSED to do"....now that, is an insult to what marriage is supposed to be

Wedding: the ceremony or celebration of a marriage

Nothing makes me cringe more than accidentally coming across those estrogen charged wedding shows. I'm sure that they're amazingly entertaining , but that's a whole other facet that feeds into the marriage fear. It's not about destroying your family , losing friends, getting in debt, "i'm queen for a day" mentality. It's suppose to be a damn celebration of your love. People get too caught up in putting on a "show" that they forget that. I'm sure that having the right colors or having a theme is sentimental or perfect, but at the end of the day, ALL THAT MATTERS, is the person your marrying.

My parents set the bar....

Today is my parent's 33rd wedding anniversary. Their puerto rican hometowns are literally next door to one another, but ended up finding each other when they both came to NY for better lives. Complete opposites , mom being the practical  rationalist & papi the passionate sentimentalist. When they decided to get married, my mom's parent's became very ill. They postponed for almost a year, using everything they saved for my mom's back & forth travels to take care of them. My aunt, seeing everything they were going through, put her foot down, "found a guy", rounded up the people who mattered & my parents had a small ceremony in their studio apartment.

My parents didn't get married b/c my mom found the perfect dress, or b/c they had the perfect venue or b/c papi bought an obnoxious ring. They got married b/c for almost a year , my dad took my mom to the airport , knowing that she'd be away for months at a time, & no matter what, they both knew they loved each other, that no matter what happened, they'd get through it. THAT is what marriage is about. The most basic foundation. 

I only know a handful of people who have done it right so far. To my parents they had no idea what they were doing & just rolled with it, but to me, they are definitely my role models. 

*To anyone I know that have had weddings/separations/divorces/etc., 

please do not take offense to my post, 

it's not my intention*

Oh so much stuff

• I've been unemployed for a little over a month now & it's great! It's amazingly scary how a stressful job can have such a negative impact on your life & health.
• CUNY really is a piece of garbage. I'm on the waiting list for the colleges & they'll let me know in May if there's a spot. It's June people.
• With that said, my back-up plan of becoming a Nurse Tech., has saved me. Literally.
• i miss my niece. badly. her being so far just sucks. i would be taking her to the park everyday right now =(
• apparently i give off pheromones that smell like relationship although i never uttered the word. *puzzled*
• my cousins wedding is around the corner & I seriously need to get into MOH gear.
• Speaking of, I really wish she taught ZUMBA in NYC, best class I ever took & I refuse to pay $20 for just one class, let alone an actual gym membership.
• My name is Christina & I'm addicted to guacamole & Magnum ice cream bars. there, i said it.
• It's June & I'm already excited for Comic Con! Jay & Silent Bob will be there this year & if I can use my pretty girl self to get them to sign my Mallrats DVD.....that would be epic.
• My parents & I will be doing our 1st cancer -walk together this year. I'm really excited about it & I hope the entire family can get together for it. my aunt means a lot to me. to us. 
• i still need to donate blood,  planning on sending my type O goodness to the Sloan Kettering cancer center.
• if i could go back, I would've studied nursing like my mom told me to & not damn pictures! 

Epiphany...better late than never

Nothing chaotic or frantic. Nothing "impulsive".
Almost like a light at the end of the tunnel.
A sigh of relief.

For some time now I've been trying to figure out what I want, in regards to life, work, where I want to be. I havent been able to figure it out really. Coincidentally, yesterday we had a training downtown. How to cope with stress, to take care of ourselves, put ourselves 1st. The VP of our program is leaving, she's starting her own private practice, getting back to what she's always wanted to do, something that she lost touch with while living her life. & in her "goodbye" speech, she said something. That she wasnt happy, that she wasnt taking care of herself, that she got so consumed with living her life, that she never really looked at the quality of it.

there....that was it.....I'm not happy

After working for almost 2yrs now in a non-profit org, I know I want to do something community/health related. Do I have the proper training, no. Experience, yes. So obviously, this is something I need to work on.
Living conditions, oh where do I begin. I am suffocating, literally drowning in the sorrows of my family. Am I wrong for thinking that aloud? I'm sure if I wasnt at home, cornered in my little den, it'd be different. I'd have some physical space to be able to deal with family issues. But when you live at home, it eats away at you. No one is to blame but myself, why the hell am I still at home anyways!! smh @ me!

So with all that said, I think its time for me & NYC to break up. Perhaps start seeing other people. We're just not compatible. He's abusive, chaotic, all in all, unhealthy for me. The city is all I know, it's instilled in me. But who's to say it's all I SHOULD KNOW. I love my city, but really, what am I doing here. I'm not happy, I'm not living the GOSSIP GIRL life, nor do I want it. I'm exhausted with the the rat race, annoyed with the hussel & bussel of our concrete jungle. Tired of clenching my jaw while riding the MTA, the constant exhaustion from just living here.
Dont get me wrong, I CAN live here, I CAN DO THIS.....I just think I dont want to anymore.

The only reason I'm at this point in my life is because of myself & the decisions I've made. Not trying to sound "deep", but our past dictates our future, so our decisions today will effect our 2moro.
So yea, with 2009 almost at its end, 2010 will be filled with changes & new beginnings.

"Maybe I can't leave New York. I don't know how I'd do someplace else"

-Believe me, your fabulousness would translate-