Marriage, it's not a dirty word

Edging near 30 , my opinion about marriage has definitely changed. Although not a dirty word, marriage is very much a loaded word. 

To many it's the end. It's responsibility, obligation & high expectation. And to those who have that mind-set, do yourself the favor & stay away from marriage all together. If you're having all those negative connotations & panic attacks , then that's a tell tale sign that it may not be for you. And there is NOTHING wrong with that. But getting hitched b/c it's "what you're SUPPOSED to do"....now that, is an insult to what marriage is supposed to be

Wedding: the ceremony or celebration of a marriage

Nothing makes me cringe more than accidentally coming across those estrogen charged wedding shows. I'm sure that they're amazingly entertaining , but that's a whole other facet that feeds into the marriage fear. It's not about destroying your family , losing friends, getting in debt, "i'm queen for a day" mentality. It's suppose to be a damn celebration of your love. People get too caught up in putting on a "show" that they forget that. I'm sure that having the right colors or having a theme is sentimental or perfect, but at the end of the day, ALL THAT MATTERS, is the person your marrying.

My parents set the bar....

Today is my parent's 33rd wedding anniversary. Their puerto rican hometowns are literally next door to one another, but ended up finding each other when they both came to NY for better lives. Complete opposites , mom being the practical  rationalist & papi the passionate sentimentalist. When they decided to get married, my mom's parent's became very ill. They postponed for almost a year, using everything they saved for my mom's back & forth travels to take care of them. My aunt, seeing everything they were going through, put her foot down, "found a guy", rounded up the people who mattered & my parents had a small ceremony in their studio apartment.

My parents didn't get married b/c my mom found the perfect dress, or b/c they had the perfect venue or b/c papi bought an obnoxious ring. They got married b/c for almost a year , my dad took my mom to the airport , knowing that she'd be away for months at a time, & no matter what, they both knew they loved each other, that no matter what happened, they'd get through it. THAT is what marriage is about. The most basic foundation. 

I only know a handful of people who have done it right so far. To my parents they had no idea what they were doing & just rolled with it, but to me, they are definitely my role models. 

*To anyone I know that have had weddings/separations/divorces/etc., 

please do not take offense to my post, 

it's not my intention*

Walking Wounded

Have you ever been told ,"it's not you , it's me"? One of the most popular relationship cop-outs ever, wouldn't you agree? But what if the problem REALLY is YOU, you & your damn emotional baggage.

Yes, we all have some sort of baggage & with all things in life, it's all in how you deal with it. Some people try to keep their baggage down to the minimum , a carry-on if you will. While others have an entire designer collection packed up for what should be 2 day getaway.

Maybe it's been a few months or even a few years since your bout of relationship fuckery , whether it was abusive, they cheated, they stole, they lied....just plain ol'fucekry. But low & behold, something happens & your carry on, which you could have sworn was securely put away, falls flying out of the overhead compartment. All your fears, insecurities, anger & bitterness out for the world to see & there you have it, you're faced with the reality that you're the Walking Wounded.

The challenge is trying to not let it sabotage any future relationships. Because the truth is, once another person is introduced into the mix, those wounds/bags dont only affect you.

They may cause you to put up walls or stay away from commitment. In the mind of the Walking Wounded,  they're literally shielding themselves from getting hurt. A protective force-field. But at the same time, they're shutting out any possibility of love. Which , hey if that's what you want, great. Nothing wrong with being single. But is that REALLY it, or are you scared to death of getting hurt again?

There's the ever so popular, "fuck (wo)men" approach. No, not literally, I mean the "I'll be a bitch/jerk for no reason" one.For any of the walking Wounded that chooses this method, just shoot yourself in the head now & be done with it. Why would being a (wo)man-bashing bitch/jerk be a good idea?! Being an overall cunt to the opposite sex just comes off as being defensive & ......cunty & not attractive at all. You may think that you're one step ahead or you're going to call him/her on their shit.....or you're just projecting & again, being a bitch.

And of course, there's the lovely paranoia bag. If you've been cheated on , lied to, or have had the misfortune of any infidelity, being overly suspicious is always a gem. Trust is so important in a relationship, that once doubt is introduced to it, it may possibly be its undoing for the Walking Wounded.  Yes, you might think you're just being cautious, keeping an eye out for warning signs , but at some point your safety precautions will become very unattractive traits. Being overly clingy or worse, snooping, who wants that for a significant other?!

On a personal note, I openly admit to being one of the Walking Wounded. I've had my share of abuse & plenty of experience with infidelity. I know what it's like to flinch when a man raises his voice. To be excessively timid to signs of affection. To be lied to & told "you're over reacting", "shes just a friend", "it's just flirting".....

To fellow wounded individuals & to those who have any interest in dealing with the wounded, communication is key. Speak your mind, share your wounded past, & listen carefully. There may be a lot of jumbled information, there may be tears, it may take a lot of time to work through the baggage. But for those who aren't royally fucked up beyond repair, even the Walking Wounded may have a chance at a really amazing relationship in the long run.

 

Sometimes all we have are words

what a funky day.
I don't feel I have the right to write this. that she mattered so much to so many other people, other than me. an activist, a leader, a force, a best-friend, a niece, a wife, a love.
& to those people who she mattered the most,  your strength is immeasurable .

"at 29 we're selfish"
i couldn't agree more. we look out for ourselves, many of us are just coming into finding out who we are & what we want to be, but while so many are doing that, you were out saving the world, literally. Whether it was one boob or vagina at a time.You knew what you wanted to do, where you wanted to be. You knew who YOU were. You were self-LESS. & you were so damn nonchalant about it too.

you've brought so many people together. a lot of new friendships were made & even more were reaffirmed. all b/c we loved one amazing girl.

i don't know what it means the fact that i can visit you with ease, when before, i never set foot into one of those places.  

your FB page has become straight up internet therapy. tagged pictures, messages, songs, notes, memories, anything & everything in hopes that somewhere , up there, there's WiFi & a really good coffee shop.

you helped so many people & you continue to impact people's lives, even now. i think you've given so many of us a reality check. forced many of us to grow up & look at our lives & reevaluate whats important.
& for that, we'll always be thankful.
you are missed. everyday. by so many.
& b/c of that you'll never be truly gone, b/c we all loved you so much.

Darkest before the dawn

I find it incredibly frustrating that I can be everyone else's little ray of sunshine, their little pick-me-up. That the cup is always half full for you, you, you & your mother. But when it comes down to my own trials & tribulations I am my own worst bloody enemy. This damn test I have Monday is driving me loony. Correction...I'M driving myself loony. I've locked myself away in my little Bronx urban tower, face first in text books & notes. Consumed with highlighter fumes, post it stickies & have come to enjoy the intricate detail in my Harry Potter coffee mug.

Now here's the truth, I know I'm prepared. The chambers of the heart, needle gauges, additives, conductivity, cardiac cycles,patient rights, ethics...... supercalifragilisticexpialidocious....no that can't be on it.

It's not so much THE test that I'm stressing , more so, the outcome. If I pass, I'll finally be able to get my 1st hands on nursing job. Now to clarify, I'll be working under the supervision of a registered nurse, so i emphasize Nurse Tech. not R.N., not YET anyway. But that's not my point. This is what I've been working for all year. A self realization, a want, to help people. & to know, with all conviction that I will be the best at it. Now maybe that is putting a lot of pressure on me, but isnt that the point when you want something THAT bad?!

I've been told that I get overly excited about drawing blood. Or when I did my rotations at the nursing home, I overshared , just a tad much.**shrug** If being able to draw blood perfectly from a child or obese person makes my day, let me rock! Or if listening to a patient talk, just b/c they needed to makes my day, let me be.
These are the things I look forward to.

I've experienced places that take quantity over quality of work & care of their patients. Never again. & no, I do not believe that every single place on this earth is run that way. Yes, there's a business aspect, as with everything. But by all means, keep your slum'ish facilities, your 4hr waits, apathetic docs, & number manipulation to keep a contract "business".  I look forward to working at a place where compassion is welcomed, using my brain is encouraged & patients actually do come 1st.

2 days to go

Oh so much stuff

• I've been unemployed for a little over a month now & it's great! It's amazingly scary how a stressful job can have such a negative impact on your life & health.
• CUNY really is a piece of garbage. I'm on the waiting list for the colleges & they'll let me know in May if there's a spot. It's June people.
• With that said, my back-up plan of becoming a Nurse Tech., has saved me. Literally.
• i miss my niece. badly. her being so far just sucks. i would be taking her to the park everyday right now =(
• apparently i give off pheromones that smell like relationship although i never uttered the word. *puzzled*
• my cousins wedding is around the corner & I seriously need to get into MOH gear.
• Speaking of, I really wish she taught ZUMBA in NYC, best class I ever took & I refuse to pay $20 for just one class, let alone an actual gym membership.
• My name is Christina & I'm addicted to guacamole & Magnum ice cream bars. there, i said it.
• It's June & I'm already excited for Comic Con! Jay & Silent Bob will be there this year & if I can use my pretty girl self to get them to sign my Mallrats DVD.....that would be epic.
• My parents & I will be doing our 1st cancer -walk together this year. I'm really excited about it & I hope the entire family can get together for it. my aunt means a lot to me. to us. 
• i still need to donate blood,  planning on sending my type O goodness to the Sloan Kettering cancer center.
• if i could go back, I would've studied nursing like my mom told me to & not damn pictures! 

Agreed

"Whatever happened to chivalry? Does it only exist in 80's movies? I want John Cusack holding a boombox outside my window. I wanna ride off on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey. I want Jake from Sixteen Candles waiting outside the church for me. I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist into the air because he knows he got me. Just once I want my life to be like an 80's movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. 

But no, no, John Hughes did not direct my life. "

Easy A

A moment...

I don't handle death well. I'm sure that applies to everyone. You'd have to be heartless bastard to not feel something with someone's passing. But as a child, my parents sheltered me from death. From attending wakes & funerals. So yes, I understood "so & so" died, but never experienced (for lack of a better word), their passing. I was a child, I didnt know what it was to "mourn", only that the individual isn't here anymore. I'm older now.......

My friends father passed away.
& without any hesitation I went to the wake this evening. I didnt care about the snow, the ice,or whatever weather catastrophe, nothing mattered. Just that I needed to be there. To pay my respects. To mourn......with my friend. For my friend.

Our group gathered & all I could think about was how fragile life is. That at any moment , someone you love may not be there. That you shouldn't wait for someone to be on their deathbed to tell them you love them. What if you don't even have that opportunity?

I tell my friends without hesitation how much I love them & how I'm thankful for them almost everyday. My cousins, the same. But I truly take for granted my parents. I think, for the most part, we all do.

The second I got home I hugged my mom. I hugged my dad & just cried.......
I just really needed to ....

Color me Deep PT2

"Our ink is our badges, our piercings our pride,
Body art is our expression, of our person inside."
Richard Powell

Almost 2 1/2 yrs ago, I began the tattoo on my ribs. The passing of my aunt was the trigger. My inability to get the courage to call her & say my goodbye before she left us.  The devastating guilt I could not overcome. "Love, Hope,Inspire, Believe" will remind me how to live my life. 

This past weekend I finally figured out what I wanted the finished tattoo to look like & completed it. As December winded down, it turned into emotional roller-coaster. So much so, that it gave me the push I needed to add to my life rules.

Love without boundaries : Do not become bitter. Do your best to avoid "the game". If you have the chance to experience love, do so. Give it your all. Everyone has suffered some heartache, heartbreak. Maybe even some bruising & mental scarring.We all have baggage. Pick yours up & move on. To love & be loved, is such an amazing feeling. To hold back, to deny it, is to truly cheat yourself. Deny who I am?  I wouldn't change me for the world.

Hope is infinite: maybe some people say faith, but since my stance on religion tends to waver, hope is more appropriate. You can never have too much hope. Believe that things will turn out for the best, there is nothing wrong with having expectations. To desire a positive outcome. Sometimes, that's all you have. 

Inspire others: It's something that I've learned a long time ago. I'm a people person. I have a gift. I'm empathetic. There is nothing more fulfilling than knowing that you've made an impact on someone's life. That you've helped them or touched their very souls in some way.  Help others dream, encourage them. Help them to be the amazing people that they are. 

Believe in the impossible: This one touched my heart . Lewis Carroll's, Alice in wonderland, "Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."  It's that easy. You can believe in anything with such conviction, with such truth ,you can make it real. (except flying....don't do that.....) We tend to hold ourselves back. To be afraid & to doubt.  Don't. Believe & push forward. 

My tattoo's are monumental moments in my life. They are my lessons. They are my reminders. 

Color me deep....

356 Days of Me (plus 2 weeks....)

a busy October + quarantined with pneumonia = lots of time thinking

-Inspired by "500 Days of Summer" & my birthday-

A lot can happen in a year. 

Oct.26th,2009 was celebrated with knights & jousting , surrounded by close friends & family I held close to my heart.  Oct. 26th,2010 was celebrated & coordinated by my 2 bestest friends, with ninja's & magic shows. 2 girls that I know, no matter what, will always be by my side. I say that with such conviction.

Through that year I fully recovered from my rebound nonsense. No more looking back....& even when/if I do, the reflex is no longer wishful thinking & hopeful dreams. It's met with raised eyebrows & shaking of the head. My eyebrows. My head. 3yrs is a long time to hold onto to something that isnt there anymore. I actually joined Match.com, although nothing blossomed from it (damn commercials,lol) it was so xciting to "date" again & meet new people. To be nervous about 1st meetings & get butterflys. It's a beautiful & glorious feeling to look forward.

Through that year I loved again. A discovery if you will. No, nothing came of it. But that's not the point. What is the point, is that I loved. I am capable of it. I'm not broken, or jaded. I loved for all the right reasons. 

That within itself deserves merit. 

Through that year I clinged to family. To my aunt , to my parents. To my family in Puerto Rico. To my newly engaged cousin. As I get older, family becomes more & more important to me. My heritage & where my family comes from & what they went through is a part of me. We have been through through so much & no matter the circumstance, we hold on to each other as lifelines. 

Through that year I saw catastrophic earthquakes rock the countries of both my best friends. I felt their fear, concern, love & pride for their heart-lands. I saw the world unite to save one country , while the other humbly took care of its own. As a result I joined the Red Cross & have done my part to give back. (& fight the constant urge to pack up & move to Haiti & rebuild)

In that year I achieved 2 parts of my Bucket-list. I saw Robin Williams live at the Borgarta. The man who I associate comedy & laughter with. A hero, if you will, that I've always looked up to.  The ability to make people laugh is a powerful gift, & although he can be crude & extra, Robin Williams embodies that belief for me.  The 2nd was meeting Stan Lee. Marvel Comic's father. Waiting on line for 16hr's, braving the cold & hard sidewalk. I met the man who fathered many of Marvel's popular superhero's. It was an emotional experience. I will always remember both.

Through that year, I am thankful for my friends. The ones who stand by me. Through my childness & silly ways. Through my WoW talk & comic xcitment. Through my healthy days & not so healthy. For my hearts, my rocks, my sanities. For the ones who answer txts, IM's, random phone calls, & spur of the moment dinners & sleep overs. There are times I feel lost, where I am xtra hard on myself. When I feel out of place & confused. You are the ones who keep me centered, you are the ones who get me.  I am thankful for you.

& through this year....I've learned my body hates me. *cue pneumonia* 

Kinect.....perhaps....

What Times Square looked like when Xbox 360 released its Kinect epicness. Kinect is...well, think of Wii, w/o the dumb controller. 

& at 1st I wanted no part of it. Why jump around , run around, dance around....no thank you. I'm asthmatic! 

But now looking at all the possible fitness games & possible silly times one can partake in. 

I do believe I'm a sell-out.

oh asthma

A fish out of water....

THAT's how asthma feels......

Still

“I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells.

 Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living.

It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.

 Which is what I do....

And that enables you to laugh at life's realities.”

-Dr.Seuss-

"We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. 

We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race & the human race is filled with passion. 

And medicine,law, business,engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. 

But poetry, beauty, romance, love......

 THESE are what we stay alive for. "

-Dead Poets Society-

I dont post often enough. I dont post at all actually. And as I sit here, with my 1st cold of the season, 

I realize it's b/c I dont really want to. 

See, if you look at my posts, weeks, months pass w/o a post. I assure you plenty has happened & yes, the thought always crosses my mind "i really wanna write about this" but then....it passes. Would you like to know why. It's because I actually talk about my experiences with my friends. Be it in person, phones, txts, IM's, I tell someone. I share my story with an individual, usually someone I heart. Not a website. Not "dead-air". 

This led me to think. 

It's who I am. How I am. 

I AM a people person. I thrive on interaction. 

I'm emotional, irrational. I'm silly & childish. I'm a dreamer, I romanticize. 

I pay attention to the little things & believe a smile is worth more than anything.

I am stronger than what I appear to be.

I value my sincerity ,honesty, & empathy 

I am how I am

reunited & it feels so good....

oh bloggy blog! there's an app for you!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.6

baby steps back

dont feel abandoned. it's been months, i know. the thing is, when i WANT to post, i dont have the means to get to you (damn you BB) Even more , all the thoughts & feelings get so jumbled in my simple mind. i work myself up, then next thing you know POOF,the NEED to vent is over.

so much has happened. love, health, family, friends. a lot of change , a lot of adapting. hopefully we can catch up.

TEST

Test
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

the earth shook...my heart stopped

I woke up early Saturday morning , for no reason really. & as I checked the BBM status's, I see my besties......an earthquake hit Chile. I just stared at my phone. Googled the news & there it was, an earthquake stronger than what had hit Haiti had struck Chile, with tons of aftershocks. My heart, just sunk. So I txt her & wait. I wasnt too sure as to where her family is, whether they're in Concepcion or Santiago, maybe both. I watch the news, stay online. She finally responds, most family accounted for.

My mother wakes up & comes to my room, shes been crying. She was worried for cat's family. I couldnt help but cry too. I think I felt appreciative that my family loves & cares about those that I love so very much .

I head to her house & keep her company. & we just watch the news. & although what happened was catastrophic, Chile had everything under control. The U.S. was quick to offer assistance, & Chile, although appreciative,pretty much said "we'll get back to you on that". I absolutely loved it. I felt proud for Chile. Earthquakes arent some unknown event to them, they're prepared. They've had plans & funds all set.

I got into a conversation with a friend, he was "puzzled" as to why I was so concerned. That earthquakes happen, things like this happen. You can just hope for the best & move on. Life moves on. & while all that is true, & the fact that he has the innate ability to rationalize just about everything.....this was not one of those times.
When you love people, care about them, you love & care about what's important to them. You feel for them, you worry for them......it doesnt matter what it is or where. It's not about distance or who has more culture. If it's Haiti or Chile or Cincinnati.

To my gypsy, I love you.
Chile, you're in my prayers

Ki jan mwen ede?

How Can I Help.....

On January 12th Haiti was hit by what can only be described as the hand of God. An earthquake measuring 7.0 on the Richter scale shattered the islands capital, with the current death toll to estimate to be 200,000.

For all the bitching I do about my life, how I WANT the things I dont NEED. To then watch people suffer who dont have much to begin with....how dare I. How dare we.

I've donated like millions of others I'm sure. I've reached out to those I know who have families there, who look at the news & see their culture, their people, their hearts shaken.

I just feel compelled to do more, donating just doesnt feel adequate enough for the devastation.
I question my strength. If I could go there now, to help , would I. Could I.

Haiti, I'm sorry it took this, for us to see you.
-Love me

Distant boo-boo

Sana Sana
colita de rana,
si no sanas hoy
sanaras manana



missing my niece

SMACK

You would think that I would've learned to stay away. stupid girl I am. my question is how can I be the person I am, still have people in my life, w/o having having salt rubbed on a apparently still healing wound. *sigh* Sad part is, the REALLY sad part, is that why should I get emo. I'm doing amazing. Im not surrounded by no-bodies, or have an empty, unfulfilled life. I dont try to clusterfuck it with crap just to pass the time.

stop reminiscing on something that will never be the same. I'm a whole different person now & outgrown a lot of bad habits.
.....this baggage is so 2005, it doesnt match my 2010 couture

oh 2009.....

I expect 2010 to be fantastical, b/c you sir, were BEYOND terribad! This year came & went, & yet I'm exactly at the same place I started at. Sort of like those movie scenes/music videos, where the person is standing still but everything else is moving in super fast motion. (try to visualize people)
The year was marked with deaths & economic depression! There were bits of silver lining's, but sorry 2009, I have to say I know a lot of folks that are happy to see you go.

*SIGH*
Legends like Michael Jackson & Patrick Swayze passed away, shockers like DJ AM, John Travolta's son & recently Brittany Murphy. *sad face*

The amount of people that were let go from their jobs was disgusting. I saw people that I cared about hold their breathe while they waited to see if they'd end up losing heir job as well. My own job went from being "secure" to "we cant predict the future".

I've seen my parents struggle. Old age settle in & bad habits come back......still waiting to see how that'll play out in 2010.

My health, always the fun roller-coaster ride. Bad enough to scare to me, but nothing too serious *thank god*

*Smiley Face*
I finally got a new computer. Alienware at that! He's my baby, so far things are working out wonderfully. & I'm looking forward to our very happy future 2gether.....or until I have to upgrade him too.

I got to take my 1st "vacation" with my gypsy. Nothing exotic, but it doesnt take much to have a good weekend away. AND I got a new camera!! ^_^

It was a year filled with gaming gatherings. I got to show Ohio what NYC has to offer & went to Comic Con, in turn he showed me the country glam of his hometown, along with his amazing family. Had a geek moment with the guys watching Transformers 2 & gave them an introduction to Outback deliciousness.
Spent Halloween meeting a awesome PA group , who introduced me to BUZZ & in-turn, I made a skinny all-american boy an honorary latino ^_^!! lol

I got to check of an item on my bucket list!! Seeing Robin Williams live was AMAZING!! The man is the nutjob to say the least! But he represents so much to me, emotions were high. I felt bad for my cousin, who was probably chanting "dont have an asthma attack!" the entire night!

I realized that the people I keep close are all that matter. I had a very simple, yet very fun, birthday. Extremely cheesy at Medieval Times, but I had such a great time, b/c my friends heart my silly-ass!

To be continued..........
2009 was branded with devastating family news. Although the family is unbelievably large, they're few that have had a constant presence & impact in my life. One of those family members, my aunt, was diagnosed with cancer early in 2009. Towards the end its taken a toll on her & the family. We all worry for her, for each other. We hold our breathe & stay positive b/c we are strong, we have to be. We're Amazons.

2010 will be filled with loving myself & those around me. To do the things I've always wanted & fulfill goals that I keep pushing off. To move on & forgive. To grow up. To make a difference in my life & hopefully someone else's.

To the people who are constant, near & far.
Thank you.
For loving me, guiding me,
& baring with me.
I'd be lost without you