Walking Wounded

Have you ever been told ,"it's not you , it's me"? One of the most popular relationship cop-outs ever, wouldn't you agree? But what if the problem REALLY is YOU, you & your damn emotional baggage.

Yes, we all have some sort of baggage & with all things in life, it's all in how you deal with it. Some people try to keep their baggage down to the minimum , a carry-on if you will. While others have an entire designer collection packed up for what should be 2 day getaway.

Maybe it's been a few months or even a few years since your bout of relationship fuckery , whether it was abusive, they cheated, they stole, they lied....just plain ol'fucekry. But low & behold, something happens & your carry on, which you could have sworn was securely put away, falls flying out of the overhead compartment. All your fears, insecurities, anger & bitterness out for the world to see & there you have it, you're faced with the reality that you're the Walking Wounded.

The challenge is trying to not let it sabotage any future relationships. Because the truth is, once another person is introduced into the mix, those wounds/bags dont only affect you.

They may cause you to put up walls or stay away from commitment. In the mind of the Walking Wounded,  they're literally shielding themselves from getting hurt. A protective force-field. But at the same time, they're shutting out any possibility of love. Which , hey if that's what you want, great. Nothing wrong with being single. But is that REALLY it, or are you scared to death of getting hurt again?

There's the ever so popular, "fuck (wo)men" approach. No, not literally, I mean the "I'll be a bitch/jerk for no reason" one.For any of the walking Wounded that chooses this method, just shoot yourself in the head now & be done with it. Why would being a (wo)man-bashing bitch/jerk be a good idea?! Being an overall cunt to the opposite sex just comes off as being defensive & ......cunty & not attractive at all. You may think that you're one step ahead or you're going to call him/her on their shit.....or you're just projecting & again, being a bitch.

And of course, there's the lovely paranoia bag. If you've been cheated on , lied to, or have had the misfortune of any infidelity, being overly suspicious is always a gem. Trust is so important in a relationship, that once doubt is introduced to it, it may possibly be its undoing for the Walking Wounded.  Yes, you might think you're just being cautious, keeping an eye out for warning signs , but at some point your safety precautions will become very unattractive traits. Being overly clingy or worse, snooping, who wants that for a significant other?!

On a personal note, I openly admit to being one of the Walking Wounded. I've had my share of abuse & plenty of experience with infidelity. I know what it's like to flinch when a man raises his voice. To be excessively timid to signs of affection. To be lied to & told "you're over reacting", "shes just a friend", "it's just flirting".....

To fellow wounded individuals & to those who have any interest in dealing with the wounded, communication is key. Speak your mind, share your wounded past, & listen carefully. There may be a lot of jumbled information, there may be tears, it may take a lot of time to work through the baggage. But for those who aren't royally fucked up beyond repair, even the Walking Wounded may have a chance at a really amazing relationship in the long run.

 

Sometimes all we have are words

what a funky day.
I don't feel I have the right to write this. that she mattered so much to so many other people, other than me. an activist, a leader, a force, a best-friend, a niece, a wife, a love.
& to those people who she mattered the most,  your strength is immeasurable .

"at 29 we're selfish"
i couldn't agree more. we look out for ourselves, many of us are just coming into finding out who we are & what we want to be, but while so many are doing that, you were out saving the world, literally. Whether it was one boob or vagina at a time.You knew what you wanted to do, where you wanted to be. You knew who YOU were. You were self-LESS. & you were so damn nonchalant about it too.

you've brought so many people together. a lot of new friendships were made & even more were reaffirmed. all b/c we loved one amazing girl.

i don't know what it means the fact that i can visit you with ease, when before, i never set foot into one of those places.  

your FB page has become straight up internet therapy. tagged pictures, messages, songs, notes, memories, anything & everything in hopes that somewhere , up there, there's WiFi & a really good coffee shop.

you helped so many people & you continue to impact people's lives, even now. i think you've given so many of us a reality check. forced many of us to grow up & look at our lives & reevaluate whats important.
& for that, we'll always be thankful.
you are missed. everyday. by so many.
& b/c of that you'll never be truly gone, b/c we all loved you so much.

Darkest before the dawn

I find it incredibly frustrating that I can be everyone else's little ray of sunshine, their little pick-me-up. That the cup is always half full for you, you, you & your mother. But when it comes down to my own trials & tribulations I am my own worst bloody enemy. This damn test I have Monday is driving me loony. Correction...I'M driving myself loony. I've locked myself away in my little Bronx urban tower, face first in text books & notes. Consumed with highlighter fumes, post it stickies & have come to enjoy the intricate detail in my Harry Potter coffee mug.

Now here's the truth, I know I'm prepared. The chambers of the heart, needle gauges, additives, conductivity, cardiac cycles,patient rights, ethics...... supercalifragilisticexpialidocious....no that can't be on it.

It's not so much THE test that I'm stressing , more so, the outcome. If I pass, I'll finally be able to get my 1st hands on nursing job. Now to clarify, I'll be working under the supervision of a registered nurse, so i emphasize Nurse Tech. not R.N., not YET anyway. But that's not my point. This is what I've been working for all year. A self realization, a want, to help people. & to know, with all conviction that I will be the best at it. Now maybe that is putting a lot of pressure on me, but isnt that the point when you want something THAT bad?!

I've been told that I get overly excited about drawing blood. Or when I did my rotations at the nursing home, I overshared , just a tad much.**shrug** If being able to draw blood perfectly from a child or obese person makes my day, let me rock! Or if listening to a patient talk, just b/c they needed to makes my day, let me be.
These are the things I look forward to.

I've experienced places that take quantity over quality of work & care of their patients. Never again. & no, I do not believe that every single place on this earth is run that way. Yes, there's a business aspect, as with everything. But by all means, keep your slum'ish facilities, your 4hr waits, apathetic docs, & number manipulation to keep a contract "business".  I look forward to working at a place where compassion is welcomed, using my brain is encouraged & patients actually do come 1st.

2 days to go

Oh so much stuff

• I've been unemployed for a little over a month now & it's great! It's amazingly scary how a stressful job can have such a negative impact on your life & health.
• CUNY really is a piece of garbage. I'm on the waiting list for the colleges & they'll let me know in May if there's a spot. It's June people.
• With that said, my back-up plan of becoming a Nurse Tech., has saved me. Literally.
• i miss my niece. badly. her being so far just sucks. i would be taking her to the park everyday right now =(
• apparently i give off pheromones that smell like relationship although i never uttered the word. *puzzled*
• my cousins wedding is around the corner & I seriously need to get into MOH gear.
• Speaking of, I really wish she taught ZUMBA in NYC, best class I ever took & I refuse to pay $20 for just one class, let alone an actual gym membership.
• My name is Christina & I'm addicted to guacamole & Magnum ice cream bars. there, i said it.
• It's June & I'm already excited for Comic Con! Jay & Silent Bob will be there this year & if I can use my pretty girl self to get them to sign my Mallrats DVD.....that would be epic.
• My parents & I will be doing our 1st cancer -walk together this year. I'm really excited about it & I hope the entire family can get together for it. my aunt means a lot to me. to us. 
• i still need to donate blood,  planning on sending my type O goodness to the Sloan Kettering cancer center.
• if i could go back, I would've studied nursing like my mom told me to & not damn pictures! 

Agreed

"Whatever happened to chivalry? Does it only exist in 80's movies? I want John Cusack holding a boombox outside my window. I wanna ride off on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey. I want Jake from Sixteen Candles waiting outside the church for me. I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist into the air because he knows he got me. Just once I want my life to be like an 80's movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. 

But no, no, John Hughes did not direct my life. "

Easy A

A moment...

I don't handle death well. I'm sure that applies to everyone. You'd have to be heartless bastard to not feel something with someone's passing. But as a child, my parents sheltered me from death. From attending wakes & funerals. So yes, I understood "so & so" died, but never experienced (for lack of a better word), their passing. I was a child, I didnt know what it was to "mourn", only that the individual isn't here anymore. I'm older now.......

My friends father passed away.
& without any hesitation I went to the wake this evening. I didnt care about the snow, the ice,or whatever weather catastrophe, nothing mattered. Just that I needed to be there. To pay my respects. To mourn......with my friend. For my friend.

Our group gathered & all I could think about was how fragile life is. That at any moment , someone you love may not be there. That you shouldn't wait for someone to be on their deathbed to tell them you love them. What if you don't even have that opportunity?

I tell my friends without hesitation how much I love them & how I'm thankful for them almost everyday. My cousins, the same. But I truly take for granted my parents. I think, for the most part, we all do.

The second I got home I hugged my mom. I hugged my dad & just cried.......
I just really needed to ....

Color me Deep PT2

"Our ink is our badges, our piercings our pride,
Body art is our expression, of our person inside."
Richard Powell

Almost 2 1/2 yrs ago, I began the tattoo on my ribs. The passing of my aunt was the trigger. My inability to get the courage to call her & say my goodbye before she left us.  The devastating guilt I could not overcome. "Love, Hope,Inspire, Believe" will remind me how to live my life. 

This past weekend I finally figured out what I wanted the finished tattoo to look like & completed it. As December winded down, it turned into emotional roller-coaster. So much so, that it gave me the push I needed to add to my life rules.

Love without boundaries : Do not become bitter. Do your best to avoid "the game". If you have the chance to experience love, do so. Give it your all. Everyone has suffered some heartache, heartbreak. Maybe even some bruising & mental scarring.We all have baggage. Pick yours up & move on. To love & be loved, is such an amazing feeling. To hold back, to deny it, is to truly cheat yourself. Deny who I am?  I wouldn't change me for the world.

Hope is infinite: maybe some people say faith, but since my stance on religion tends to waver, hope is more appropriate. You can never have too much hope. Believe that things will turn out for the best, there is nothing wrong with having expectations. To desire a positive outcome. Sometimes, that's all you have. 

Inspire others: It's something that I've learned a long time ago. I'm a people person. I have a gift. I'm empathetic. There is nothing more fulfilling than knowing that you've made an impact on someone's life. That you've helped them or touched their very souls in some way.  Help others dream, encourage them. Help them to be the amazing people that they are. 

Believe in the impossible: This one touched my heart . Lewis Carroll's, Alice in wonderland, "Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."  It's that easy. You can believe in anything with such conviction, with such truth ,you can make it real. (except flying....don't do that.....) We tend to hold ourselves back. To be afraid & to doubt.  Don't. Believe & push forward. 

My tattoo's are monumental moments in my life. They are my lessons. They are my reminders. 

Color me deep....