Darkest before the dawn

I find it incredibly frustrating that I can be everyone else's little ray of sunshine, their little pick-me-up. That the cup is always half full for you, you, you & your mother. But when it comes down to my own trials & tribulations I am my own worst bloody enemy. This damn test I have Monday is driving me loony. Correction...I'M driving myself loony. I've locked myself away in my little Bronx urban tower, face first in text books & notes. Consumed with highlighter fumes, post it stickies & have come to enjoy the intricate detail in my Harry Potter coffee mug.

Now here's the truth, I know I'm prepared. The chambers of the heart, needle gauges, additives, conductivity, cardiac cycles,patient rights, ethics...... supercalifragilisticexpialidocious....no that can't be on it.

It's not so much THE test that I'm stressing , more so, the outcome. If I pass, I'll finally be able to get my 1st hands on nursing job. Now to clarify, I'll be working under the supervision of a registered nurse, so i emphasize Nurse Tech. not R.N., not YET anyway. But that's not my point. This is what I've been working for all year. A self realization, a want, to help people. & to know, with all conviction that I will be the best at it. Now maybe that is putting a lot of pressure on me, but isnt that the point when you want something THAT bad?!

I've been told that I get overly excited about drawing blood. Or when I did my rotations at the nursing home, I overshared , just a tad much.**shrug** If being able to draw blood perfectly from a child or obese person makes my day, let me rock! Or if listening to a patient talk, just b/c they needed to makes my day, let me be.
These are the things I look forward to.

I've experienced places that take quantity over quality of work & care of their patients. Never again. & no, I do not believe that every single place on this earth is run that way. Yes, there's a business aspect, as with everything. But by all means, keep your slum'ish facilities, your 4hr waits, apathetic docs, & number manipulation to keep a contract "business".  I look forward to working at a place where compassion is welcomed, using my brain is encouraged & patients actually do come 1st.

2 days to go

Oh so much stuff

• I've been unemployed for a little over a month now & it's great! It's amazingly scary how a stressful job can have such a negative impact on your life & health.
• CUNY really is a piece of garbage. I'm on the waiting list for the colleges & they'll let me know in May if there's a spot. It's June people.
• With that said, my back-up plan of becoming a Nurse Tech., has saved me. Literally.
• i miss my niece. badly. her being so far just sucks. i would be taking her to the park everyday right now =(
• apparently i give off pheromones that smell like relationship although i never uttered the word. *puzzled*
• my cousins wedding is around the corner & I seriously need to get into MOH gear.
• Speaking of, I really wish she taught ZUMBA in NYC, best class I ever took & I refuse to pay $20 for just one class, let alone an actual gym membership.
• My name is Christina & I'm addicted to guacamole & Magnum ice cream bars. there, i said it.
• It's June & I'm already excited for Comic Con! Jay & Silent Bob will be there this year & if I can use my pretty girl self to get them to sign my Mallrats DVD.....that would be epic.
• My parents & I will be doing our 1st cancer -walk together this year. I'm really excited about it & I hope the entire family can get together for it. my aunt means a lot to me. to us. 
• i still need to donate blood,  planning on sending my type O goodness to the Sloan Kettering cancer center.
• if i could go back, I would've studied nursing like my mom told me to & not damn pictures! 

Agreed

"Whatever happened to chivalry? Does it only exist in 80's movies? I want John Cusack holding a boombox outside my window. I wanna ride off on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey. I want Jake from Sixteen Candles waiting outside the church for me. I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist into the air because he knows he got me. Just once I want my life to be like an 80's movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. 

But no, no, John Hughes did not direct my life. "

Easy A

A moment...

I don't handle death well. I'm sure that applies to everyone. You'd have to be heartless bastard to not feel something with someone's passing. But as a child, my parents sheltered me from death. From attending wakes & funerals. So yes, I understood "so & so" died, but never experienced (for lack of a better word), their passing. I was a child, I didnt know what it was to "mourn", only that the individual isn't here anymore. I'm older now.......

My friends father passed away.
& without any hesitation I went to the wake this evening. I didnt care about the snow, the ice,or whatever weather catastrophe, nothing mattered. Just that I needed to be there. To pay my respects. To mourn......with my friend. For my friend.

Our group gathered & all I could think about was how fragile life is. That at any moment , someone you love may not be there. That you shouldn't wait for someone to be on their deathbed to tell them you love them. What if you don't even have that opportunity?

I tell my friends without hesitation how much I love them & how I'm thankful for them almost everyday. My cousins, the same. But I truly take for granted my parents. I think, for the most part, we all do.

The second I got home I hugged my mom. I hugged my dad & just cried.......
I just really needed to ....

Color me Deep PT2

"Our ink is our badges, our piercings our pride,
Body art is our expression, of our person inside."
Richard Powell

Almost 2 1/2 yrs ago, I began the tattoo on my ribs. The passing of my aunt was the trigger. My inability to get the courage to call her & say my goodbye before she left us.  The devastating guilt I could not overcome. "Love, Hope,Inspire, Believe" will remind me how to live my life. 

This past weekend I finally figured out what I wanted the finished tattoo to look like & completed it. As December winded down, it turned into emotional roller-coaster. So much so, that it gave me the push I needed to add to my life rules.

Love without boundaries : Do not become bitter. Do your best to avoid "the game". If you have the chance to experience love, do so. Give it your all. Everyone has suffered some heartache, heartbreak. Maybe even some bruising & mental scarring.We all have baggage. Pick yours up & move on. To love & be loved, is such an amazing feeling. To hold back, to deny it, is to truly cheat yourself. Deny who I am?  I wouldn't change me for the world.

Hope is infinite: maybe some people say faith, but since my stance on religion tends to waver, hope is more appropriate. You can never have too much hope. Believe that things will turn out for the best, there is nothing wrong with having expectations. To desire a positive outcome. Sometimes, that's all you have. 

Inspire others: It's something that I've learned a long time ago. I'm a people person. I have a gift. I'm empathetic. There is nothing more fulfilling than knowing that you've made an impact on someone's life. That you've helped them or touched their very souls in some way.  Help others dream, encourage them. Help them to be the amazing people that they are. 

Believe in the impossible: This one touched my heart . Lewis Carroll's, Alice in wonderland, "Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."  It's that easy. You can believe in anything with such conviction, with such truth ,you can make it real. (except flying....don't do that.....) We tend to hold ourselves back. To be afraid & to doubt.  Don't. Believe & push forward. 

My tattoo's are monumental moments in my life. They are my lessons. They are my reminders. 

Color me deep....

356 Days of Me (plus 2 weeks....)

a busy October + quarantined with pneumonia = lots of time thinking

-Inspired by "500 Days of Summer" & my birthday-

A lot can happen in a year. 

Oct.26th,2009 was celebrated with knights & jousting , surrounded by close friends & family I held close to my heart.  Oct. 26th,2010 was celebrated & coordinated by my 2 bestest friends, with ninja's & magic shows. 2 girls that I know, no matter what, will always be by my side. I say that with such conviction.

Through that year I fully recovered from my rebound nonsense. No more looking back....& even when/if I do, the reflex is no longer wishful thinking & hopeful dreams. It's met with raised eyebrows & shaking of the head. My eyebrows. My head. 3yrs is a long time to hold onto to something that isnt there anymore. I actually joined Match.com, although nothing blossomed from it (damn commercials,lol) it was so xciting to "date" again & meet new people. To be nervous about 1st meetings & get butterflys. It's a beautiful & glorious feeling to look forward.

Through that year I loved again. A discovery if you will. No, nothing came of it. But that's not the point. What is the point, is that I loved. I am capable of it. I'm not broken, or jaded. I loved for all the right reasons. 

That within itself deserves merit. 

Through that year I clinged to family. To my aunt , to my parents. To my family in Puerto Rico. To my newly engaged cousin. As I get older, family becomes more & more important to me. My heritage & where my family comes from & what they went through is a part of me. We have been through through so much & no matter the circumstance, we hold on to each other as lifelines. 

Through that year I saw catastrophic earthquakes rock the countries of both my best friends. I felt their fear, concern, love & pride for their heart-lands. I saw the world unite to save one country , while the other humbly took care of its own. As a result I joined the Red Cross & have done my part to give back. (& fight the constant urge to pack up & move to Haiti & rebuild)

In that year I achieved 2 parts of my Bucket-list. I saw Robin Williams live at the Borgarta. The man who I associate comedy & laughter with. A hero, if you will, that I've always looked up to.  The ability to make people laugh is a powerful gift, & although he can be crude & extra, Robin Williams embodies that belief for me.  The 2nd was meeting Stan Lee. Marvel Comic's father. Waiting on line for 16hr's, braving the cold & hard sidewalk. I met the man who fathered many of Marvel's popular superhero's. It was an emotional experience. I will always remember both.

Through that year, I am thankful for my friends. The ones who stand by me. Through my childness & silly ways. Through my WoW talk & comic xcitment. Through my healthy days & not so healthy. For my hearts, my rocks, my sanities. For the ones who answer txts, IM's, random phone calls, & spur of the moment dinners & sleep overs. There are times I feel lost, where I am xtra hard on myself. When I feel out of place & confused. You are the ones who keep me centered, you are the ones who get me.  I am thankful for you.

& through this year....I've learned my body hates me. *cue pneumonia* 

Kinect.....perhaps....

What Times Square looked like when Xbox 360 released its Kinect epicness. Kinect is...well, think of Wii, w/o the dumb controller. 

& at 1st I wanted no part of it. Why jump around , run around, dance around....no thank you. I'm asthmatic! 

But now looking at all the possible fitness games & possible silly times one can partake in. 

I do believe I'm a sell-out.